I have not had a cigarette since 8:00am friday last, and while I’ve not craved a one at all since, I am feeling the physical and psychological strain that comes with nicotine withdrawal. Cold turkey. The only way to do it.
I know I’m insufferable tonight at least on some level just because I feel so damn cranky. But sometimes I just kick myself that I ever got married at all. At this point it really just feels like an anchor. What is this all about? No, she’s been really awful, and unfair. And I am growing weary of it. Because it just doesn’t stop.
Yeah, a cigarette would certainly be right, about now. Except I’m trying to not be self-hating, I’m trying to be positive. Because during every period of unease, pain and doubt in my life, I could look out into the distance and see the sun rising, or sometimes not even see it before I could feel it warming the curve of my cheek. And before I know it, something wonderful happens right out of the blue, when I am at my seemingly lowest – as if a miracle. But again, and again, my whole life. So when life throws me a curveball or four, I’m learning, slowly and painfully through dealing with lots of anxiety over prior bummers, to let it go, to focus on the positive that I can do, and to focus my energy on that.
So I remain positive that at the end of this tunnel, wherever it leads us, our lives will be better, because we’ll either work this all out, or we won’t. I’m diligent at this stuff. But I’m no sucker either. I told her so tonight. KM is nobody’s punk-ass bitch. KM will put a punkass bitch on an allowance, be-be.
Feelin’ me? Can I get a “feelin’ you, sistah!”?
No smokes in the house, no smokable butts in the ashtrays, okay well there’s the homegrown. But can a woman have no vice? Vices? Kisses.