The way it feels this morning

I awakened this morning in the marital bed, where I’ve been sleeping for the past two weeks.  We had house guests, the in-laws, over Mother’s Day weekend, and the need for the guests rooms was acute, so I sucked it up and went back to bed with the SO.  Since then, not a single cuddle, snuggle, spoon, kiss, hug, nothing.  We have nothing to say to each other, mostly because if I try to engage her on the state of our marriage, or any subject more meaningful than the typical observation about one of the cats watching a bird, or following a bug, or floopying in the chair, she just clams up and has nothing to say, as if speaking to me as a spouse would be giving something important away.  So the way it feels this morning is “all over”.  It would seem like the experiment, which I measure from the 2008 milestone of the Seattle trip that she backed out of because she really didn’t want to have that much time alone with me, is an utter and total failure.  The experiment, at least in my mind, was to see whether we could reconstruct the love I thought we held for each other from the wreckage of mistrust, and betrayal that this mess has become.  The only remaining question is what I do about the failure.  Do I stay?  or do I go?  Do I go even if that’s what she most secretly desires, and her behavior has been focused on achieving that result?  Do I stay hoping that she will someday love and appreciate me for who I am?  When I feel deep in my soul that she never, ever will because of who she is?  When I wonder whether and how she ever could have loved me, when my only infraction is in being found out for who I secretly am?

Kisses – KM


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