My life has had its twists and turns, of late, which I guess should not be unexpected, given the relative oddity of it, ipso facto. From a conversation with my dear kid brother on the always touchy subjects of national politics, to the failed relationship with SO, as it has come to pass, i now have two crystallized examples of the meaning of the sometimes thrown away term “irreconcilable differences”. With SO, the end result of four or five years of struggle, unhappiness, gargantuan effort and my mad attempts to hold on to something that may never have been all that real as I imagined is the crushing reality of separation, and the endgame of the “equitable distribution” and ultimately, a support obligation that will extend far beyond the actual end of the relationship. If women had to give bj’s to their estranged supporting ex-spouses for the duration of the support period, you can bet the concept of spousal support would take on a different hue altogether. I am only now beginning to understand the depths to which she is willing to drag this mess. Suffice it to say for now, she is angry, out of her mind angry, and intends to do what she can to ruin me over my crossdressing, my use of one illegal substance in particular (I am actually clean, just passing 60 days of freedom from the weed this week), and my frequent self-gratification as my daily attempt to make the best of being caught in a loveless marriage with no intimacy or even friendship lo these several years.
So there you have it. It has been too heavy to write, but I suppose I’ll have a book ready by the end of all this. I think I can say with some clarity of hindsight that I am not really the reason she is so angry. If I may be so bold to suggest that her anger wells up from a lifetime of slights and disregard from her self-absorbed, narcissistic father who does not know how to love others, and too, too much resulting damage from such unhappy beginnings. She has betrayed my confidences, she has shit on everything that I tried to make good, and loving and kind and understanding. She wants to throw my life open to the outside world, having “outed me” (in a pointless lashing out) to her mother the doormat, and to a brother she doesn’t love and his latest in a string of dead-end pretty girlfriends, for no apparent reason than to have someone else to dump on. She professes to be ready to disclose anything she needs to wreck my career, my reputation, and she mentioned she has video of me prancing around in women’s underwear. I asked her if she hid a video camera in my special room — dead silence, the one true giveaway with her.
So to those cheering for this outcome, there you have it. To those of you who can identify, you’ll understand my grief in this latest, palpable betrayal by the one person I thought I could trust in my life other than myself. Guess it’s just me now. At least I am taking it well.
Lost my grandmum two weeks ago, we had a lovely memorial gathering this holiday weekend. I didn’t really share my sad times with anyone there, I really wanted the focus to remain where it should be, so I kept my mouth shut.
Kisses – KM