dee eye vee ohh are see eee

My life has had its twists and turns, of late, which I guess should not be unexpected, given the relative oddity of it, ipso facto. From a conversation with my dear kid brother on the always touchy subjects of national politics, to the failed relationship with SO, as it has come to pass, i now have two crystallized examples of the meaning of the sometimes thrown away term “irreconcilable differences”. With SO, the end result of four or five years of struggle, unhappiness, gargantuan effort and my mad attempts to hold on to something that may never have been all that real as I imagined is the crushing reality of separation, and the endgame of the “equitable distribution” and ultimately, a support obligation that will extend far beyond the actual end of the relationship. If women had to give bj’s to their estranged supporting ex-spouses for the duration of the support period, you can bet the concept of spousal support would take on a different hue altogether.  I am only now beginning to understand the depths to which she is willing to drag this mess.  Suffice it to say for now, she is angry, out of her mind angry, and intends to do what she can to ruin me over my crossdressing, my use of one illegal substance in particular (I am actually clean, just passing 60 days of freedom from the weed this week), and my frequent self-gratification as my daily attempt to make the best of being caught in a loveless marriage with no intimacy or even friendship lo these several years.

So there you have it.  It has been too heavy to write, but I suppose I’ll have a book ready by the end of all this.  I think I can say with some clarity of hindsight that I am not really the reason she is so angry.  If I may be so bold to suggest that her anger wells up from a lifetime of slights and disregard from her self-absorbed, narcissistic father who does not know how to love others, and too, too much resulting damage from such unhappy beginnings.  She has betrayed my confidences, she has shit on everything that I tried to make good, and loving and kind and understanding.  She wants to throw my life open to the outside world, having “outed me” (in a pointless lashing out) to her mother the doormat, and to a brother she doesn’t love and his latest in a string of dead-end pretty girlfriends, for no apparent reason than to have someone else to dump on.  She professes to be ready to disclose anything she needs to wreck my career, my reputation, and she mentioned she has video of me prancing around in women’s underwear.  I asked her if she hid a video camera in my special room — dead silence, the one true giveaway with her.

So to those cheering for this outcome, there you have it.  To those of you who can identify, you’ll understand my grief in this latest, palpable betrayal by the one person I thought I could trust in my life other than myself.  Guess it’s just me now.  At least I am taking it well.

Lost my grandmum two weeks ago, we had a lovely memorial gathering this holiday weekend.  I didn’t really share my sad times with anyone there, I really wanted the focus to remain where it should be, so I kept my mouth shut.

Kisses – KM


In the interest of national security (sorry, election year politics time)

I was pondering the other day, in the midst of the contraception hullabaloo in our Nation’s Capitol, and realized after a couple of hours of MSNBC news that this week’s issue is energy policy, rather than contraception.

Before we leave the issue, though, one odd footnote to the issue of contraception was the unbelievably bumbling effort of the Virginia legislature to enact a law requiring women to subject themselves to an invasive medical procedure as part of the “informed consent” process before being permitted to obtain a surgical abortion.  That is, Virginia’s legislature actually introduced, and its Senate passed a bill requiring any woman seeking an abortion first to undergo an involuntary transvaginal ultrasound (an ultrasound probe is introduced into the woman’s uterus via vaginal penetration so that the doctor can force the woman to view ultrasound images of the wiggling fetus inside her womb AT THE WOMAN’S EXPENSE.  The Commonwealth’s Governor Robert F. McDonnell promised to sign the measure into law , before being pummeled into a hasty and ham-handed retreat by his (especially his former female) constituency in the Old Dominion.  Former (let me be the first to say) Governor McDonnell will be lucky to escape his term with both testicles intact, at this rate.  Governor McDonnell really wanted to force women to undergo vaginal penetration against her will as the Commonwealth’s “special” tax on a woman’s right to control her own womb.  Maybe the Guv’nors adoring wife will do us a favor and suffocate him in his sleep – there’s no help for someone that craven.  So, helluva week in the Old Dominion, at least for women of childbearing years.

But I digress.  Energy — Doesn’t the price of precious gasoline depend on a balance between relative demand/consumption, and supply?  It should.  In a perfect system.  But supply doesn’t just mean oil supply, it includes gasoline supply too, which comes from refining crude oil, which depends on refining capacity, which is inadequate in the United States because we are wanting for new refineries to make enough gas to meet demand/consumption.  We also have a speculative commodity market in oil that prices crude oil largely on computerized quantitative analysis/futures trading models, with little regard to the supply-demand equation.

As to refineries, no new refinery has been built in the US in years, because they are heavily regulated, dangerous and environmentally damaging facilities that private industry has apparently decided are not worth the first few years of unprofitability, especially when the higher gas prices caused by a shortage of refining capacity create bigger profits for the big oil companies.

Doesn’t this point to a no-brainer solution of our government simply building a few state of the art refineries in strategic locations in the name of national security and a stable supply?  If a private builder can’t stomach the environmental regulation, initial startup cost and lengthy permitting and approval process for a new refinery, doesn’t that cry out for the government to build it and operate it on condemned wastelands within 100 miles of a pipeline, rail or deepwater port?

The oil companies could not claim that this “government takeover of our refining capacity” creates a non-competitive environment when the companies themselves have thrown in the towel on investing in a network of refineries that could meet present and future needs, citing the high startup costs as non-starters.  Hit me up if you have a better idea.

Cazart.  KM

Sweet 16

Sweet Alexis turned 16 this week, so tonight we celebrate. Underdressed in pink lace-trimmed panties, mostly in drab.  Did a photo session monday, need to shave my legs again. blah blah. kisses! km

Out on the road again

I spent a number of hours on the road these past several days, seeing family far away as is customary this time of year. On the ride home this afternoon, I stopped at an abandoned erstwhile office park-to-be, and changed from my jeans and t-Shirt, with trustee Adidas t6 Nights, and stripped down and changed into ribbed black tights, Guess Jeans miniskirt, black motorcycle high heel (3 1/2″) heel boots, black 40D bra with forms, my wig, my Jones New York sunglasses ($16 Marshall’s) a black camisole top, and no makeup. I have taken, when possible, as a closeted CD, to trying to think ahead and pack the necessaries for an out adventure before I leave so I have the option to dress out in a different place if I feel comfortable enough to do it. OMG it is so nice and natural to be able to get in the car and drive dressed en femme, and it made me feel good and relaxed.

I am working on my makeup again this evening, I washed my face and had a very close shave, and I found a neat trick with my eyebrows that makes me more passable as a dark brunette. It involves drawing a dark brown eyebrow line high on my existing browline (near the top) to draw the viewer’s eye up. For some reason this creates a more feminine faceline and narrows the focus of the viewer. Good for me, anyway!

Merry Christmas, everyone –

Kisses! KM

so much to catch up on

I enjoyed boot season a little last night, modeling here at home my “look” with painted on girl jeans (“mudd” stretch 14s – cute!) tucked into knee high brown pleather boots with 4″ heels.  A simple shelf bra, and a ribbed a-shirt, a pair of simple silver necklaces that look good together, and I felt sexy, anyway.  I shaved my legs last week, time to shave them again – they look spectacular all toned and muscled up from soccer.  I’ll try to share pics, they’re worth bragging on.

Enjoying some Kentucky grass of late, a timely resupply as it were.  I haven’t been in much of a writing mood for while, much of it all swirling around in my head rather than being expressed.  Lost a colleague at work to a latent issue of poor judgment, that one is still smarting.

Hopefully more girliness tonight, stay sweet


kisses, KM

crowes, live

a beautiful, crisp autumn morning in Conover, nc, attending a futbol match. blowing down the interstate with a fresh $1000 clutch, the black crowes live in amsterdam (second show, july ’11) maxing out the suby sound system. I may stop on the way home and check out a ’79 yamaha as a possible cafe project.

on a good day,
no, not every day,
we can part the sea

on a bad day,
no, not every day,
glory is beyond our reach . . .
-rich robinson, wiser time

kisses, km

Some personal notes.

I’ve decided I’m not going to argue with S.O. anymore.  Just worn out with it.  She wants to confront me, accuse me, argue and complain at me all the time.  So I’ve had it.

I smoked all the cured bud from my botany experiments, and it was fabulous.  But all gone.  Not sure whether I’ll attempt a grow again.  A cooling-off period in order, perhaps.

After being out in Durham for the vintage bikefest, I’m a little more comfortable going out next time.  The one alternative club in W-S reopened under new management, same place, probably the same crowd.  So a trip to the CO2 is now in order.  My figure has really improved with continued fitness and weight loss.  Oh, and all the smoking, I guess.

I have oral herpes, and have had since 1994.  I contracted it taking a few drags off a big fat joint at the Steely Dan Alive In America performance at Merriweather Post Pavilion in Maryland.  Since being diagnosed a number of months later, and by taking prophylactic doses of antiviral every day, I rarely have an outbreak.  Except when I am run down, overworked, overtired, and I push it just a little bit more.  A quick cross-country trip for work last weekend, a redeye flight back in our nation’s grubby, nasty, germy air travel transit system, and a raucous soccer match wherein I played 80/90 minutes in the heat, and WHAM!  Outbreak city.  No outward signs except my fatigue, but my Lymph glands under my chin become tender, my throat feels constricted and a little numb.  It came on me suddenly last Saturday afternoon, I did not recognize my symptoms at first, it having been 3-4 years since my last outbreak.  I thought I had caught a simple cold from traveling — I probably have a cold, I still have the runny nose, and sneezing, a dull headache.  Sometimes I can kill a cold by getting out and engaging in some vigorous exercise.  Oh, my, this time, it tipped me over the edge.  I knew when I woke up Monday morning that this familiar feeling was an outbreak.

Thank god this is very occasional, as it is unpleasant.  Before finding a medication, I would get large white open sores in my throat.  It was torture, sheer torture, I couldn’t stand it, my doctor saved me from that.  I have been so cautious about my condition with S.O. that in nearly 20 years of marriage, she has not been exposed.  I love her, after all, and wouldn’t wish this on her ever.  the dirty dogs that did this to me have no soul.  Sure, I took a couple drags from a stranger’s fat doobie — my choice, my bad.  Deserve this for that?   Ha.  If you think so, you’re a really unhappy, sadistic person that has  no empathy for ordinary human suffering.  Sorry, call it like I see it.

Wearing some simple black bikini panties with cute lacy legs under my jeans tonight, and my Amsterdam earring in, otherwise very drab tonight.  Not because I’m not feeling it – I am, but because I just didn’t have the energy as much as I want to.

So, a little treat from behind the curtain for you tonight.  Moi, en le couchez, as it were.  I could be accused of trying to make it worth the wait, probably some truth to that.  Mostly I have no one else who will listen to me.

Kisses – KM